| Fuck You. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|08:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | BTBAM | ] |
This is why I don't commit to people.
I hate people.
They do nothing but disappoint me.
I have spent the last two and a half years with someone I thought that I would spend forever with... only to go through all the struggles, all the ups and down...
for him to ask me how I would feel if he dated someone.
What the fuck is that.
He has the balls to ask me if I found someone, maybe his conscious made him feel guilty.
I hate you.
You are dead to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2007|11:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ladytron | ] |
I don't really know what to think.
I hate all this shit.
I have too much going on right now...
I'm going to Washington next week.
My uncle is in the hospital.
They say he probably wont make it past christmas.
Enjoy the single life Andrew.
Nobody is forcing you not to. |
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| No comment. |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|01:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
another day ends the same.
The wounds inflicted in my heart... are too much to handle.
I don't know who I am or what I am.
To question whether it's right or not, leaves me lost.
I don't know what to do.
Except cry.
Because this time, it's really over.
To think I almost changed my life for it all.
I'm so confused.
My heart and head hurt.
goodnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 12th, 2007|06:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
My heart is splitting.
My mind never so confused.
What makes you love someone?
Is it that they are so wrong for you that you begin to think that it's right.
It's hard for me why someone who tells me they love me
hangs up on me, calls me names, and cracks fun at everything I do.
It just doesn't make sense to me.
It hurts me.
I would never treat someone I love with such disrespect.
A relationship is the realization that the two of you are equals... and a balance of both love and respect.
I just don't get it.
My mind is so confused.
I miss my friends.
I got to talk to Cael today.
I miss him.
and people like him. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
It has been far too long since I updated this thing.
A lot has gone on in 20 weeks.
I spent an awesome month with the love of my life.
in Minneapolis and Helena.
I miss my cuddle buddy.
I have been working at Pizza Hut still...
some things never change.
I am almost done with my GED testing, I have just the final test on the 25th of this month.
I am excited to finally have it done.
But its hard to talk on the phone and type this.
So I shall continue later? |
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| Tuesdays |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|10:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Getting ready to go to work.
Still sick as hell...
but at least I get paid today.
Which means...
I GET MY PHONE TOMORROW!!!
I know a lot of people are excited.
Nothing really interesting has been going on lately.
Although cedar st. is closing down after all this time.
it's kinda sad.
I guess I will be going now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2007|09:58 am] |
To Everyone:
I'm not hanging out with people anymore.
No more friends.
Because for some reason people keep think I'm fucking them.
And to be honest, it's seriously getting old.
So please, don't call me. message me. or talk to me.
I am working full time.
Getting my drivers liscense.
Finishing school.
And leaving this world.
So sorry, I don't have time for any of you anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2007|02:52 am] |
I don't like being at my house alone.
It makes me feel very awkward, like I'm in a movie or something.
Today, basically sucked.
I was supposed to get off at nine, and ended up having to work until 1 because someone decided not to show up to work.
At least I have tomorrow off.
Then when I did get off,
shit only got more awkward.
Andrew's friends insist that I'm a whore and that I broke Andrew's heart.
Which I know I did, but they have no idea what really happened.
And to be honest, it's none of their business.
I'm just so sick of all this bullshit.
I want to not have to worry about being talked about by people I thought I was cool with.
It's fucked up.
And I'm just done with it.
Work.
School.
Car.
Those are my priorities. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2007|08:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
I work a lot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2007|03:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Agony Scene-Darkest Red | ] |
My ankles hurt from all the walking I have been doing lately.
And I seem to be lacking a lot of energy.
Going down to the Adult Learning Center today to get stuff set up for school.
Then probably do some job hunting tomorrow.
I had a long talk with my mom yesterday about not letting people change what I think of myself. I thought about it a lot, and she's right.
I waste so much of my time being hurt by what people say about me.
The fact that I'm 17 and have lived on my own for over the last year, enduring stuggles most "teens" can't even imagine.
I am finally excited to be back here.
I wrote out a list of goals for myself.
And I cannot wait to look into the faces of all my family members and give them the big middle finger for ever doubting me.
I have also thought a lot about Andrew and I.
I have spent the last two years of my life infatuated with a guy who doesn't love me for me.
All I ever hear from him is what I need to change in myself before I am "worthy" (I use that loosely) of him.
I never really noticed how much that brings me down some times.
I can't waste my time pretending to be someone I'm not.
And obviously feelings aren't what matters to him.
I guess I must be naive to think that relationships are built on feelings, rather than social standings and accomplishments.
I may not be able to go to a fancy college far away, without any worry of my financial status... but I do know that as a person who has always remained rather intelligent that I can accomplish anything that I truly commit myself to.
And if people cannot love me and appreciate me when I am going through a rough stage of my life, then I don't need those people at all.
Now you are free to leave.
This heart is already frozen,
I can't remember to fall.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won't call. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|02:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Fuck this.
Seriously.
Is there anyone in my family that isn't mentally fucked up???
Im sorry that I have no phone, and my mom only has long distance on the weekends.
But how the fuck does that mean that I only talk to my family when I need something?
What more can anyone throw at me this week???
Come on.
Let me have it.
I'm going to Missoula for a couple days.
Hopefully that will cheer me up, cause I really need it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Circa Survive- Wish Resign | ] |
So I guess there are talks of me going to treatment.
For alcohol abuse.
Especially now that since I got here I have drank like a 30 rack a night.
and I have pretty much been that way for the last month and a half.
My stomache is tore up,
but I don't really even care.
I've hit rock bottom,
and I can't get back up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
So...
I'm sitting at my brothers house, bored out of my mind... So I figured I would write a little entry.
It's crazy being here again, I almost feel out of place.
I never thought it would be hard to make conversation with my brother,
but it was.
Kaylee and Ryder were both ecstatic to see me, so that was nice.
Ate spagetti and what not.
Cut my hair off yesterday.
I think I like it more now that I styled it myself today.
Its black and like a really pretty violet color.
Everyone says I look older.
I just hope andrew likes it.
That kind of stuff is important to me.
I want to go home,
but I guess I can wait until the morning. |
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|
| Just to Clear the record |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|11:22 am] |
I went to my ex-boyfriends house for like 2 hours with a friends, he lives a block away from me and I had nothing to do.
I thought I would be staying home to talk to Andrew...
but as soon as a naked girl came into their room, he all of a sudden
"couldn't talk"
Yeah that upset me.
I didn't go over to Grayson's to piss you off.
I went over there cause I felt ditched and couldn't go anywhere else.
Andrew is the love of my life.
I don't want anyone else right now.
Why is it not okay for me to hang out with my ex.
When everyday he talks to his.
And talks to the girl who gave me so many insecurities.
And was the cause for my broken heart.
WHY THE HELL IS THAT OKAY????
but I can't go over to my ex's house?
When you know damn well I don't want anything with him when it comes to a relationship.
I love you Andrew.
Dont sit there and call me a bitch.
Cause I think you know how it really is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2007|08:51 pm] |
What the fuck is up with livejournal becoming my new souce of bullshit.
"I love you"
Never meant so little.
Friends my ass. |
|
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| Tuesday Nights. |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|01:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
Last night was interesting.
It entailed:
16 cherry/apple bombs.
Half a bottle of wine.
Two Apple Rockstar drinks.
And a beer.
Pretty fucked up.
Grayson and his friend walked over..
it was pretty wierd.
and awkward.
Anyways...
dont feel too good today. |
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| Pain |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|09:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
So... my handhurts.
It looks like its going to be like that for a while.
I only type with one hand.
Bored.
Doctors today.
ugh.
He never called me back.:(
and im tired of it. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2007|08:54 am] |
Isn't it funny that you never really know how much you care about somebody.
Until you think they are with someone else.
Interesting thought.
Anyways...
I'm going to start looking for a new job today.
My boss is a prick, and it is growing far too old for me.
I am doing my classes online this morning...
so hopefully that will go okay.
I'm now living with my sister in law and my cousin.
It's a lot of fun, I just wish I had a bed to sleep in.
I had some PK over the weekend.. damn that shit was good.
We had some good times.
Overall... I'm pretty happy with myself.
My mom and I are getting along really well. We talk almost every day.
Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time, and never move out of her house.
She really has done a lot for me in my life.
Some bad, but a lot of good also.
Hm...
I think that will be all for now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2007|04:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
From now on...
I'm just going to Walk it Out.
Cause that seems to work for me.
I need to find a place for my cat to stay.
Kinda sucks.
I love how so many positive things can go on in my life...
yet it always contains so much stress.
I like living with girls.
Maybe I will start to be me again. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|09:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
Man whores will be man whores.
Nobody can change them.. no matter how hard you try.
If it's not you... it will be someone else.
I just wish there was someone who could care for me.
But not 20 other girls also that he is bullshitting to. |
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